Good Morning! We are now about three months into a new year and I find myself here again. Life has been very much the same, yet it is constantly changing. I suppose that’s the purpose of life, to always throw curveballs and force change along it’s way.
I’d like to discuss rejection today. It is perhaps my biggest fear. I’ve been afraid of it for a very long time, fearing what would happen if I was not accepted. It’s something I still struggle with and I suppose I always will. I sure hope I’ll overcome it but I am consigned to it at this point. As some of you may know, I recently submitted one of my short stories to a literary magazine. Unfortunately, I was in fact rejected. The initial feeling reading the email didn’t hurt all that much, but as I thought more and more on it, I feel as though that minor rejection has affected my writing today. I have hardly touched my novel in a while. I’ll typically have it open on my computer daily and if I have time, I’ll add a few words here and there, but nine times out of ten, I only get a single word out. I’m scared that I’ll put my whole heart and soul into this story only for it to be rejected at every corner. And then what? What will it have all been for? The hours, days, years spent creating and fleshing out this story to something that I love… will all feel like a waste when I find out I am the only one who loves it.
I don’t understand how some of these authors can put out so many books in such a short span of time. I feel like it’s every time I go into a bookstore that I see a new Colleen Hoover book on the shelves. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of Mrs. Hoover, but I immensely respect the hustle and the grind. There are so many people that LOVE her books and she’s able to come up with all these stories and put them to paper with seemingly endless speed. She’s good at what she does and fits her niche very well. With this knowledge, it makes me think that perhaps I’m overthinking my own work too much. There’s an audience for every type of story and there must be an audience for my story, right? But how will it get out there if no agent or publisher will touch it with a 6ft pole? Self publish? Sure that’s an option but it’s not really what I’ve always wanted. I don’t want to have to resort to Amazon to get my stories out (speaking of which, I have since taken down my journals. They never made a single sale and the more I though about it, the more I felt like I was a sell-out. I only made them because I was struggling financially. I tried and I failed and that’s the end of that story.)
I won’t lie, I’m struggling with my purpose in life. For a long time my only dream has been being an author. I still want that, but I can’t even get my shit together enough to actually write my book. Now, on a more positive note, I understand that rejection is a HUGE part of being a creative person. In the words of Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride (and to me personally once!): “Get used to disappointment.”
Some of what I have come to deal with is getting used to disappointment. When I was pursuing acting, I was rejected for many a role I put my heart and soul into, and I eventually gave up. I figured, after this much rejection perhaps this wasn’t the path for me. So, I turned to focus on my writing. I haven’t even finished my novel and I’m already worried about rejection. I have only submitted my short story once and I’m afraid to do it again. Now, these fears won’t stop me because I’m (as TikTok says) delulu (delusional). I’ll resubmit my story in other places, I won’t stop writing my novel, but at this point, I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it. It feels like I’m climbing a mountain I’ll never reach the top of.
To end this on a lighter note, I’m still doing well in all other aspects of my life. We’ve been offered a re-up on our lease and rent hasn’t raised that much so we’ll be staying in our lovely townhouse, I still love my job- despite hard days I’m very in love, I’ve made more of an effort to see my friends around here and it’s almost my birthday!