It’s been a while.
In the time since I last wrote here, I have packed up my life, moved to a different state, started a new job, and am in the process of opening a new location with said job. If I’m being honest, I haven’t done barely any work on my book since then. I moved all my work into a new program which I’ve used up the free trial of and now need to pay for it. It isn’t very expensive, I just don’t have the money to spare right now, so I’ll have to wait.
I don’t really understand how people can manage so much in a day. I feel like I’m almost constantly scrambling to get things done and when I have a moment to breathe, I do it. I let myself relax when I could be doing more. I love the novel that I’m writing, I can just never find any time to work on it. I wish it would write itself! So many life changes are coming at me so fast. I moved away to live with my partner, which as exciting and happy as that can be, it’s a very big step and we’re still learning how to work with each other and not against. I sold my car to pay for the move, and have been carless for a few months now. I’m borrowing one currently, but not for too much longer. I don’t like having to rely on other people; I want to do everything for myself.
Money is the root of all evil. For myself, I know 90% of my stress could be solved if I just had more money. I’m projected to make much more than I ever have with this new position and that is beyond exciting, but it doesn’t come into full effect for a while.
I’ve been struggling a lot with these changes. New state, old state. I moved back to my home state, and while I’m happy to be here, there’s a certain amount of uncomfortability that comes with that for me. My body has also been going through some major changes. I hardly recognize myself in the mirror anymore and it is incredibly frustrating. This new job holds a place in my heart but it is singed with the bittersweetness of missing where I came from. I’m tired all the time, yet feel like I should be doing more. My partner and I have been rolling with the punches since I got here. It’s hard adjusting to being together all the time when we were long distance before. Imagine going months without seeing someone to then seeing them first thing every morning and the last thing thing every night. It’s a blessing that we are able to be together now, but it is most definitely a learning curve. We’re trying to learn how to not step on each other’s toes and learn how to cohabitate healthily. I’m so thankful for him treating me with grace and for working with me and communicating with me. I’ve spent too much time in relationships, romantic or otherwise, where communication was non-existent. For us, we’re learning if we actually work for long term and I’m not going to lie- it’s very hard. However, I feel as though this might be the first relationship in which I’m actually being taken seriously. He treats me with love and respect, and calls me out on my bullshit when something isn’t working for him. It goes both ways. Apart from internal factors, there are external factors affecting us as well. Our living situation has been quite bleak since I moved here. Lots of roommate drama and financial troubles that is far too much to go into here. Hopefully, though, all will be solved very soon.
I feel like I’m just speaking into the void here.
Loneliness has made a home inside me. It comes with being an adult that friends come and go but that doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. I’ve gone through a lot of big changes in my life, a lot of people loved and lost- whether by my own choice or not. Moving back to my home state has been really hard, but at the same time it was an easy decision to make. I had to leave behind all the friends but I get to be with my partner and hopefully advance my career. Since leaving, I’ve watched as everyone I’ve cared for for the past two years continue on their lives as if I was never there. I miss them, I don’t know if they miss me. In the grand scheme of things and the big picture of life, two year friendships are a miniscule portion of the human experience but it tugs at my heart. I have my partner, who I am eternally grateful for every day. I have a couple other close friends here, but I never see them. I know I need to make more of an effort to put myself out there, but when do I have the time? Going, going, going, gone.
This post has turned a bit more into a rant than I anticipated. I don’t know what to write here when I’m not writing and there’s nothing interesting to share. I’m even in a small reading slump at the moment. I’ve started several books but can’t seem to finish them. I need to learn a new routine here, I think. I need life to slow down and I need to make more money and I need to get to a steady routine that keeps me happy and healthy. It’s hard to navigate so many changes at once and it often leads to stress and anxiety and spiraling. Being an adult is hard. As stressed and strung out as I am, I feel stronger and more confident every day. As negative and emotional as this post has been, I’m excited for the future and all that it holds.
Thank you for listening and thank you for being here. <3
Photo by Robert Murray on Unsplash